my website

at last..

it’s up and running.

http://www.nazakyar.com

annabel lee

“Annebel Lee” by Poe has been one of my favorite poems of all time. It’s more like a story than a poem so I love it even more. I did some scanographic works about it. more like a study to keep me calm. here it is:

personal work 2010

Hikayesiz

a video I made for VA538 final project. which is in Turkish, about a girl without a story to shoot for a video project and her imaginary documentation of her family. For the first time in my life I tried something like this and turned out to be an absurd comedy. which is pretty cool for me. something new.

I shall not hurt

a video I made for VA538 midterm project. It’s about sibling rivalry.

i will never count again.

one for sorrow

two for joy

three for girls

four for boys

five for silver

six for gold

seven for a secret

never to be told.

don’t phunk with my breil

revised work for photography assignment.

personal stories and selfishness

Occasionally, people tell me that I am a very self-centered person, as if I am thinking that whole world spins around me. They tell me that my work is very personal as well. That I wouldn’t be able to make any money, that I will suffer. That this “self” thing will destroy me. Some people even say that I am extremely “selfish”. I don’t listen other people. I only talk about me, myself and I. all the time. I guess some of these might be true. I feel ashamed. Should I? I don’t know. I mean, I can’t control it. I care for other people too. but I care for other people’s personal stories. I don’t like public things. Things concerning a majority of people. I used to be interested about “politics” for instance, I don’t give a damn about it anymore. I feel tricked, like a fool. I don’t believe anything on TV. I don’t believe in “social projects”. I just don’t. I think, somehow, they are so full of shit. Nobody really cares but they seem to. They pretend to. and I can see that, so clearly. It’s like a mass delusion.

But I don’t believe I am a selfish person. I care about my family, my friends and loved ones. Very much. This may be a very tight circle, but this is my circle. I may be always talking about myself but that is probably because I am used to. I never had many friends. The people I talked about things in my life were either my father, or and most commonly my team of psychologists and psychiatrists. I talked about me me me for so many years now that I may have been growing a sense of understanding and processing ideas through my own. When someone says “Apples are red” I go ahead and say “Oh, I don’t really like them but sometimes I eat one or two..” It’s all about “I”. and sometimes I get tired of it but most of the times people around me get tired of it and some kick me out of their lives because of this. I am really sorry. This doesn’t mean that I don’t care about people, this simply means that I am a bad listener. I am trying to get over this.

About stories, I love them. When they have something “personal” and “honest” in them. Something I can feel. See, again “I”. I care about personal things. Things I can’t see from the outside. Things I can discover. So, that’s why I might stick to this for the rest of my life because this might be the thing I do the best.

all things winter

For a while, I am very sensitive, very emotional and fragile. At first, I thought I might be going into depression, then I thought it should be because of PMS. It turned out to be neither of them. Now I know. Suddenly I saw it. It was because, simply because of the winter. I tend to obsess and break and continuously harm myself during this season. Winter is numb, in my book. I can’t feel anything, I can hardly cry. It’s such a suffocation. Wanting to express your feelings but can not. I just want to cry cry cry so hard that in the end I believe I would be cured. I feel really stuck. I need a fight. I wish there were something like a “fight club”. I need an adrenalin rush. I need to run. I need to re-charge something within me. If it was summer I could dive in the deepest water I could find and hold my breath for a while and swim on the top as fast as I could.

Winter has this weird effect on me. I need something blooming, something losing control, something either flying or crashing down. I need something moving. I don’t want to sleep. I want to wake up and breathe.

Lucky me, none of these have any effect on my work this year. My brain is fertile. I am calm but this calmness disturbs me. I am neither happy or sad, I am stuck in between. I can work, yeah, but I work better when I am on the edge of things. That’s my trick. I am usually on the edge, unbalanced. walking on thin ice. That moves my work. But I am numb. and I feel really dumb, writing these. but I needed to. so..

I hope it snows..

bad girls go breil redux

for this week’s photography class assignment.

new ideas

I got some new ideas about my thesis project:

1- I want to do a talking mirror for the fortune reading conversations. I saw this really cool rear mirror with taximeter embedded inside (looks like a regular mirror with numbers changing in it) at a taxi last week. I may do something like that if it’s possible with Rorschach ink stains or coffee stains, someway. I think fortune reading from coffee is actually the same thing with Rorschach tests. The fortune teller doesn’t see the other’s fortune but talks about herself.
2- I want to do a video installation which would be a wardrobe. because two of my personalities have different point of views in life, different tastes and moods they dress different too. The wardrobe will have two parts, one with one of them’s clothes in and the other with other’s. There would be some drawers with embedded screens in it. With those screens I am planning to show my videos.

Those are a few ideas came to my mind yesterday. I don’t know if I would be able to do those but it would be wonderful if I can.